How to survive the death of a cat and come to terms with it: advice from a psychologist

All shades of emotional experiences during loss

After a pet dies, the owner first experiences shock. It seems that this is not true, that in a few minutes the funny pet will jump out of its hiding place and beg for a treat, but this, alas, will not happen. Gradually the realization comes that the pet is no longer there. A person experiences a wide range of feelings: from awareness of his guilt to gradual acceptance.

Often a cat becomes a person’s best friend, and it can be difficult to cope with its loss.

Note! Children experience the death of a cat very acutely. Psychologists advise preparing them in advance for the fact that the pet’s lifespan is not unlimited.

Many owners experience genuine suffering because the cat has become a member of the family and has accompanied them for a long time.

Tips for pet owners

Sometimes neither loved ones, nor a priest, nor a psychologist can find the key to the heart of a grieving person in order to alleviate his condition. But those who have experienced this - other cat owners - can help. Their advice:

• do not throw away the cat’s things, soon after his death you will want to see photos and toys of your beloved pet;
• do not communicate with those who disparage your feelings for the deceased cat; for many, the death of animals is unimportant;
• don’t get a kitten right away, give yourself time to grieve, because otherwise it will be just an escape from your own feelings.

How to Prepare for Your Cat to Die Soon

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The average lifespan of cats is from 10 to 15 years, although there are cases of longevity up to 28-30 years. The fact that the pet will soon go to another world is indicated by its behavior. The cat tries to retire, sits under the sofa or under the closet, eats very little food. His gaze becomes dull, his fur loses its silkiness. If the veterinarian said that everything is fine with the pet’s health, but age is making itself felt, then you should prepare for the worst.

In addition, the death of the animal is inevitable in the following cases:

• serious illness with a poor prognosis;
• a pet receiving a life-threatening injury when a decision has to be made about euthanasia.

You need to prepare for the fact that the cat will die, say goodbye to it. There is no universal method, but those who understand that their pet has very little time left are a little luckier than those who suddenly lose their pet. They can say goodbye to him. Cats feel the love of their owner, so it is very important for them to understand that they were loved until their last breath. This is why the owner is required to be nearby at all times.

Loss of activity and poor appetite are signs that your cat may soon die.

How to survive the death of a cat: cats die alone

There are many cases where cats left the home where they lived with a person for a long time before their death. This usually happens after the appearance of characteristic symptoms:

• wool loses its shine;
• eyes become dull;
• loss of appetite;
• the animal does not drink water;
• heartbeat is disturbed - the rhythm is slow;
• There is an unpleasant odor coming from the mouth and from the fur.

Against the background of these symptoms, the pet loses weight. The cat's general appearance tells people that he is sick. It doesn't get any easier after a visit to the vet. The animal is left at home to die. But often cats go off in an unknown direction. This does not always happen immediately before death, it can happen in advance. Moreover, owners usually do not find the cat’s body in the surrounding area. Animals hide in secluded places.

There is also plenty of evidence that pets are living out their last days at home. This happens in the case of a quick death or under certain circumstances, for example, when he lives in an apartment, which means he is not able to move freely.

Conflicting evidence makes it difficult to reach a consensus on why pets leave home before they die and whether they actually have premonitions of death.

One hypothesis is that animals are in a state close to depression when they feel unwell. They leave in search of a secluded place so that no one will disturb them. It is unknown whether the animal will die or not, so sometimes cats return after a long absence.

When the pain of loss goes away

When considering how to survive the death of a cat, there are several stages that each owner must go through. First of all, this is denial; the owner does not fully realize that the pet has left him forever. Next comes anger, a sense of guilt, and an understanding that life is unfair. It is at this time that the pain is most severe; you don’t have to be ashamed of your tears.

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Many owners, experiencing loss, begin to hope for a miracle. Deep down they believe that the pet will return to them. The next stage is acceptance. Right now the owner realizes that the pet is gone from his life forever. Gradually the pain disappears, leaving behind positive memories of how much fun it was to spend time with the cat.

Note! Sometimes, looking through photographs of a pet, the owner will experience light sadness.

Our beloved cat has died: we bury our pet correctly

Many owners, not knowing how to cope with the death of a cat, try to bury the animal closer to their home: under the balcony or in the yard. But this is a violation of the law, today for such actions you can get a fine of up to 5 thousand rubles. Many people think that the body of a pet is small, and therefore will not cause harm to the environment or other people. But this misconception sometimes comes at a cost, because before death the pet could have been a carrier of the infection, and after death the corpse began to represent hazardous biological waste.

If, during burial in the ground in an area not intended for this, someone witnesses what is happening, they can file a complaint. Then you will have to pay a fine. Moreover, even an appeal in court will not help to avoid punishment. Owners need to consider alternative burial methods:

• cremation: the most humane method, permitted by law, the remains in this case do not pose a danger to others;
• collection points for animal corpses in veterinary organizations: disposal is carried out without the participation of the owner, this method is not suitable for everyone, since the reception of corpses occurs without special ceremonies, it is better for overly sensitive people with weak nerves not to be present, for owners who love their pets very much, this the option should also not be considered;
• sending the corpse to veterinary and health care plants, where biological remains are processed into meat and bone meal.

When a cat dies, some owners consider burying it in the traditional way - in the ground. But this is possible provided that there is a pet cemetery in the city.

How to cope with the pain of loss

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While studying how to cope with the death of a cat, psychologists have developed several tips to help cope with the loss. First of all, a person may cry; this is a natural reaction to loss. Crying will actually make you feel better; it will help your emotions spill out, which reduces stress.

It is very important not to blame yourself for the inevitable happening. If the owner took good care of his pet, fed him well and followed the veterinarian’s recommendations, then he is not to blame for the death, nature will take everyone in any case, this is the law of life. But it also happens that the owner, noticing the cat’s discomfort, decided that it would “go away on its own” or postponed the visit to the clinic until tomorrow, and the pet died because of this. Getting rid of the oppressive feeling of guilt is more difficult, but it is important to realize that everyone can make mistakes. There is no need to judge yourself too harshly.

Tears are a completely natural human reaction to a loss.

Important! In order to experience the death of a pet less painfully, it is better to first remove its bed, toys, bowls, tray - everything that will inevitably remind you of the deceased animal.

There is no need to constantly look at photographs of your pet; it is important to give yourself time to come to terms with the loss. You can share your grief with friends or loved ones, especially those who also had pets.

If nothing helps, don’t be shy to turn to a psychologist for help.

Stages of Grief

Despite the fact that each person experiences the loss of a pet in his own way, psychologists identify general phases of accepting death, through which, with minor changes, everyone who is faced with this event goes through.

Table 1. Stages of Grief

A grieving person goes through several vivid phases, the awareness of which will help him in working on himself

How to get rid of guilt after going to sleep

Often, owners have to make a difficult decision about euthanasia, for example, if an animal is terminally ill, prolonging its life means exposing it to physical suffering and pain. It is much more humane to euthanize a terminally ill cat than to watch him suffer every day.

It is necessary to understand that the decision to euthanasia is not a desire to get rid of a pet, but an attempt to provide him with salvation from suffering. That is why you should not blame yourself; the owner cannot revive or heal the cat, but he has the right to make a difficult decision on his own.

Note! If the feeling of guilt does not subside, you can go to church and pray.

Sometimes euthanasia is the only way an owner can help his pet; he needs to take on this burden.

Cat mysticism

Cats represent different meanings in different cultures. They can carry a positive and negative symbol. Regardless of cultural characteristics, these animals are often attributed magical properties and associated with mysticism and witchcraft. Some of the legends:

• in Egypt there was a patroness of cats - the goddess Bast, she was distinguished from other sacred creatures by her body structure (human torso, cat's head);
• the Greek goddess Diana, according to legend, took the form of a cat;
• the Scandinavian goddess of love Freya was carried by cats harnessed to a chariot;
• The cat in ancient Rome was a symbol of freedom and personified independence.

How to explain to a child

The most difficult moment that parents have to face is telling their child that their beloved cat has died. Psychologists note that pets are the easiest way to introduce children to death. It is necessary to have a conversation with the child in advance, tell him about the soul, that the path on earth for each of us will end. Any cat, even a beloved one, will one day leave its owner to move to cat “heaven”, where he will live a new happy life and watch his little owner.

Children who have undergone such preliminary training perceive the departure of a pet less painfully and come to terms with it more quickly, because they are sure that where it is now, it is good for it. If you do not have such a conversation, then the loss of a cat can become a severe psychological trauma for the child.

Note! Some owners are afraid to admit that the cat has died; they tell the child that he was taken, for example, to the village to see his grandmother. This should not be done, because sooner or later the truth will become known, and the parents will receive a reputation as a deceiver.

Experiences associated with the death of a pet

As a rule, the first two days after the death of a pet close to a person, he is in a state of shock and is not able to fully “digest” any feelings. At such moments, it is possible to deny what happened, and a complete absence of any feelings, which arises as a result of protecting the psyche from a barrage of experiences.

In the first days after the death of a pet, it is difficult for a person to believe what happened

Such “anesthesia” allows a person to cope with current events, but it takes a lot of energy. Therefore, when the mourner comes out of shock, he often feels depressed and completely powerless.

Hallucinations or rich imagination?

At first, many people think that they hear their pet’s steps around the apartment, or see their blurry silhouette, which ultimately turns out to be an optical illusion. The presence of such “symptoms” does not at all indicate a mental disorder or hallucinations, which is what people often think about.

The desire to meet the cat again can even lead to auditory and visual mirages of his presence

Denial of death, natural for an unprepared person, forces his psyche to work in emergency mode. Imagination can create amazing things with people (especially those under severe stress) and “fulfill” wishes, bringing pets back to life through fantasy.

A bereaved cat owner may see him everywhere

Therefore, when you automatically look around, when you hear the patter of familiar paws or a dear meow, then you behave completely normally. In the end, such behavior is also influenced by habit - if you have lived under the same roof with an animal for many years, seeing it “everywhere” in the apartment is an established way of behavior.

Anger at the whole world or universal injustice

One way to avoid realizing the inevitability of a pet's death is to blame everyone who, in one way or another, was involved in it. Veterinarians often fall under the “hot” hand, making incorrect diagnoses and giving the cat bad pills. Sometimes loved ones who did not give the pet enough attention also come under attack.

In moments of acute grief, a person may refuse any help, which causes even greater damage to him

The feeling of injustice coexists perfectly with the feeling of loneliness - after all, the person who is grieving (as it seems to him) was treated unfairly. All the misfortunes of the globe are concentrated around him, while other people live happily. That is why such embitterment is accompanied by isolation from others and frequent refusal to accept any help.

Vulnerability is usually hidden behind attacks of malice and anger

Despite all the acute feelings, embitterment is a variation of defense that allows you to distribute responsibility for the death of your beloved pet to everyone except yourself. A person is not yet ready to take on this responsibility, so he uses the projection mechanism, “demonizing” the people around him.

Accepting Guilt

Sooner or later, having cursed everyone he can and cannot, a person remembers that the pet belonged to him, which means he should blame himself for the death. On the one hand, awareness of guilt is a big step forward, since a person manages to distract himself from anger at the world and accept its true origins. On the other hand, it is very easy to drown in feelings of guilt if you do not give yourself the opportunity to let go of the animal in time.

The death of a pet provokes attacks of self-blame for negligence and indifference to the cat

In the head of every caring owner, after the death of a beloved cat, the thought involuntarily arises: “I made a mistake somewhere, because of which my cat died. By and large, it was I who killed my pet.” Perhaps the owner will decide that he did not take his pet to the veterinarian often enough, or trusted him to bad specialists. Perhaps he will begin to remember how he threw a slipper at the cat when he dropped the geranium five years ago.

Self-flagellation can result in prolonged depression if a person does not consult a psychologist in time

It is during the period of intense experience of his involvement in the death of an animal that a person analyzes in detail all the years he has lived with him and looks for his mistakes. Of course, there are mistakes because no one is perfect. The subsequent revaluation of these mistakes and their elevation to the status of “fatal” or “fateful” is dangerous.

In order to avoid subsequent feelings of guilt, it is advisable to thoroughly study the characteristics of the cat’s body and its care, which will increase the likelihood of the pet’s longevity. It is also advisable to familiarize yourself with possible diseases of cats, so that if symptoms appear, you can see a veterinarian before the onset of disastrous consequences.

Deep depression

The feeling of guilt was based on the idea of ​​one’s own omnipotence and the opportunity to change everything for the better, even if it was lost. Depression is characterized by complete giving up. The person understands that regardless of the quality of care provided, he would still lose his cat.

Guilt often turns into an all-encompassing feeling of helplessness, leading to despair

We are not responsible for all events in the world and are able to influence - this thought is subject to exaggeration during periods of depression, acquiring distorted outlines. “I’m not capable of anything, I can’t do anything. I am nothing". It is these attitudes that accompany depression, which is characterized by apathy and intense withdrawal. Grief seems to be locked somewhere deep inside and has no way out.

Loneliness and distance from loved ones only makes the situation worse

This condition is dangerous because it is hidden from others. At the moment of depression, a person can return to his normal life and appear to be satisfied with life and even a happy member of society. Moreover, depression can be hidden from its owner if there is sufficient resistance.

Long-term suppression of negative emotions sooner or later leads to a sharp release, associated with the most alarming consequences, including suicide.

Help from professionals

When considering how to come to terms with the death of a cat, this option should not be dismissed. Very often, the death of a pet is such a strong stress for a person that he cannot cope with it on his own, and internalized stress is the main cause of depression. That is why you should not be embarrassed to ask for professional help, especially since such a reason for seeking help would not surprise a modern psychologist.

Experts will help you understand that a person is not responsible for the care of a pet, that he should let it go and move on with his life, especially since there are many positive moments in life. If the cat had to die painfully, then the owner experiences extreme stress. However, it is worth understanding that now the animal is no longer suffering, it has gone into another dimension.

Note! Parents need to pay attention to the psychological state of the child. If he has become withdrawn, uncommunicative, and strives to avoid communication with adults, then perhaps he suffers from remorse. In this case, professional help will help solve the problem.

If a person cannot cope on his own, there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help.

Symptoms of loss

People who experience the death of a cat feel so bad that their psycho-emotional state affects their physical state. At the same time, you can simultaneously experience pain in the soul, a feeling of guilt, experience other sensations, and also suffer from a disorder of the nervous system, respiratory system, and other pathological conditions. To understand whether a set of symptoms is related to a serious illness or is one of the consequences of stress, you need to learn more about them.

Physiological symptoms

A person who has experienced the death of a beloved cat cannot always quickly come to terms with the loss. Against the background of deep grief, signs appear:

• chest tightness;
• pain in the heart (occurs even in the absence of pathologies of the cardiovascular system);
• spasm in the throat, feeling of a stuck lump;
• headache;
• abdominal discomfort.

Behavioral features

After saying goodbye to your cat, it’s difficult to immediately return to your old life. At first, the person experiences the loss at home, but later tries to return to work, do his usual things, but he is not very good at it. Symptoms that can be noticed at this stage:

• attention disorder;
• absent look;
• problems with concentration, the person cannot concentrate;
• absent-mindedness;
• illogical actions, which are due to the factors listed above, the sequence of actions is often disrupted if a person is busy with his thoughts, deep within himself.

Cognitive

In severe cases, when the pet owner is completely immersed in his grief and cannot get out of this state on his own, the symptoms become more and more alarming:

• memory is impaired, gaps arise;
• thoughts are confused;
• there is a violation of the logical chain, the grieving person expresses himself incomprehensibly;
• a feeling of absence when looking into the eyes.

Is it worth getting a new pet?

Everyone makes this decision for themselves. Many cat lovers cannot see their life without a large number of affectionate purring cats that sit on all the sofas and armchairs at home. For others, a particular pet was a person. They don't want to have another one.

In any case, it is important to understand that a new cat will never replace the old one, so you should not call it by the same name. To do so will only open up the wounds in your heart.

Important! You need to be prepared for the fact that the new cat will be completely different from the previous pet, will have a completely different temperament and even appearance.

Families with children need to approach this issue especially carefully, since the child may literally hate the kitten, subconsciously deciding that it is he who is to blame for the death of the previous pet.

Observations from everyday life, outside the therapist’s office

Here is a small example of the natural development of the process of a person’s consistent adaptation to changes in the system (field) in which he finds himself. I watched a scene in which a heavy poplar branch suddenly fell on the roof of a car parked near a house in front of its owner’s eyes due to a slight wind. The branch broke the windshield and damaged the roof. The sequence of experiences of the car owner was an illustration of how successive experiences of loss are described.

At first he walked around the car in a daze and, it seems, could not believe what had happened. Then he began to say to the neighbors who had come running: “Well, how can it be, why was I so unlucky, because I wanted to leave half an hour ago and only accidentally stayed at home!” There was resentment and helplessness in his voice. All this time he touched and pulled his hands away from the branch, without even starting to remove the pieces of wood from the body of the car. Then after about three minutes he almost regained his balance and a sign of this was the developing aggressive pattern. He began swearing at the city authorities and began using obscene language. Here the female part of the audience dispersed, and the men supported him. And against the backdrop of this aggression, he began to drop branches. Then he stopped and became sad. He looked at the car again and said: “Well, what a pity, because I recently painted it!” Then he looked around and said to those who were helping to remove the branches: “There is no need to remove any more branches. I'll call the insurance company now

Suddenly it is important for them to testify to the cause of the damage. They need to pay for everything."

So, we see that the car enthusiast spontaneously went through the five phases of the process of separation and restoration of integrity. And we see the role and contribution of the environment in the fact that these stages were passed without destruction. The environment, in the form of the people and neighbors present, provided support. The neighbors talked and supported the expression of feelings at every stage.

A common example in counseling practice is stories about parting with loved ones. There are often reports that although a person has left the relationship, he retains his place in the soul of a woman or man. The incompleteness of relationships is a phenomenon of forced preservation of the system. A person tries to avoid separation and, due to his emotions, maintains integrity where this integrity no longer exists. “You’re breaking up, and he doesn’t seem to have promised anything, and there seems to be something.” Such everyday examples can provide an illustration similar to examples of loss and bereavement in situations that are traditionally considered causes of stress.

Advice from psychologists and priests

According to Orthodox Christianity, all people go to hell or heaven. This does not apply to animals; religious dogmas do not recognize the presence of souls in them. However, priests do not forbid the possibility of using this concept to explain to a child that their pet has gone to a better world. The following recommendations from priests are highlighted:

• You shouldn’t blame yourself, everything is in God’s hands, including the lifespan of people and animals;
• resignation and acceptance of the inevitable is the best thing a bereaved person can do.

Psychologists are sure that the best way to get rid of guilt and bitterness of loss is to start helping those who need it. For example, get a job as a volunteer in nurseries for homeless animals. By providing help to those cats and dogs that really need it, a person will be able to feel needed, feel the gratitude of animals, which will dull the bitterness and regrets a little.

Experts advise not to rush into getting a new pet; it is important to say goodbye to the one that died. Only after accepting the inevitable can you open your heart to another cat.

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Where do cats go after they die?

Many people believe in an afterlife. A good person goes to heaven, and a bad person goes to hell. There is a separate place for animals - the Rainbow Bridge, which, according to legend, is located between heaven and earth. There are hills and meadows, lots of delicious food, sunshine and water. Animals feel warm and comfortable, nothing hurts.

The old and sick become young and healthy again. They all frolic together, run and play. But one day there comes a moment when the pet’s gaze rushes beyond the horizon. He leaves his brothers and runs through the green grass to the long-awaited meeting. The man and the cat meet again, hug tightly and never part again.

Whether to believe in the Rainbow Bridge or not is up to everyone. But you definitely shouldn’t blame yourself for the death of a cat. Try to console yourself that you warmed and caressed your pet as best you could. Mentally thank him for the happiness he brought into your life.

Renata, Moscow

What are childhood psychotraumas and what do they lead to?

Trauma of “abandonment”

Occurs at an early age (from 0 to 1 year), in the absence or insufficient physical contact of the child with the mother. A small child does not yet separate himself from his mother, including physically, and the lack of contact causes severe anxiety and fear.

We are not talking here about the periodic absence of the mother, but about rather long moments of separation. For example, the practice of separating mother and child after childbirth, the nursery system from 10 months, long-term illness of the mother, etc.

What does it lead to?

It underlies addictions (in various manifestations) and psychosomatic disorders. A lack of basic confidence leads to constant doubts, fears, and difficulties in making choices.

Trauma of “rejection”

Occurs when communicating with a “cold” mother. Such a mother may be physically nearby, but not emotionally involved in the child’s life, not be in psychological contact with him. This may be due both to her current state (postpartum depression, conflicts with a partner, acute stress due to financial problems) and to her own neurotic traits.

What does it lead to?

To a feeling of uselessness, inability to express one’s feelings and be in close emotional relationships. If the child is a girl, then she can also grow up to be a “cold” mother.

Trauma of "deprivation"

It occurs when the child’s needs are ignored (parents do not respond to the child’s crying, devalue his fears, and do not take into account his psychological and physical characteristics). But this is not necessarily a lack of reaction - for example, an overprotective (overprotective) mother may ignore the child’s need for independence.

What does it lead to?

The habit of devaluing your needs, “deafness” to your body, lack of contact with desires (“I don’t understand what I really want”).

Trauma of "Betrayal"

It occurs when a child is disappointed with his parents, whom he idolized, most often we are talking about a parent of the opposite sex.

A feeling of betrayal occurs when a parent prefers someone else or simply “leaves” contact (into alcohol, work).

A variant of this trauma is the “dethronement trauma” (term A

Adler), which occurs in an older child at the birth of younger children who receive all the attention of their parents. Often the trauma of “deprivation” is also added here, when the child is suddenly asked to suddenly “grow up” and help in raising the younger ones.

What does it lead to?

Loss of a sense of trust, alienation or, conversely, attempts to please others. Hypercontrol (to foresee everything and avoid betrayal in the future).

The Trauma of Sexual Seduction

Occurs when adults use a child or adolescent to satisfy their sexual urges. One of the most severe and most often “repressed” traumas from consciousness.

What does it lead to?

Almost always causes serious emotional and sexual disorders.

Injuries associated with physical violence

They occur when a child is systematically abused by adults or other children.

What does it lead to?

To a chronic feeling of insecurity, addictions, victimized behavior (as an adult, a person may unknowingly enter into relationships in which violence or bullying will continue).

“Humiliation” injuries or narcissistic injuries

They arise when parents do not react positively to the child, as if conveying the message: “on your own, you are not good enough to deserve our love, you must live up to the image, function correctly.”

Our mentality has a tradition of scolding and shaming children a lot (for everything: from showing emotions to grades), so what was started by parents often continues in kindergarten and school.

What does it lead to?

To a constant feeling of inferiority, the desire to assert oneself through success (to finally prove one’s worth to parents), a constant background feeling of shame, intolerance to criticism and the desire to compete, including in personal relationships.

This list is far from complete, but I think even in it, almost every adult can find something that could have happened to him in childhood.

To put it another way: “the main thing is not what was done to us in childhood, but what we do now with this experience.”

Advice for older people who have lost a pet

Older people experience many losses: the death of friends, family members, pets. It is not surprising that such a loss can hurt an older person more than a younger person. It is especially difficult for those people who live alone. For them, this means being left without their only companion, whose care made them feel needed and gave them strength.

There are several ways not to give up and help yourself survive the death of your pet.

Method 1: Find Joy

Try to find a new source of joy in your life. In the past, caring for your four-legged companion took up most of your time, and this gave you the moral support and optimism you needed. Now you can fill the emptiness in your soul by helping homeless animals, find yourself a hobby, and when time passes, find yourself a new tailed friend.

Method 2: Chat with friends

Keep in touch with friends

After a loss, it is important not to be alone with difficult thoughts. Invite guests or go to the movies

At the very least, call at least one person once a day. If you don't have people you can call, look for a helpline in the telephone directory. Similar lines with free psychological help are open in many cities.

Method 3: Sports and walks

Play sports and spend time outdoors. Animals help older people stay healthy and maintain their vitality. Try to maintain your activity level after your pet's death. Sign up for a sports section for people your age - this way you can improve your health and make new friends.